It’s a good thing that Etang edits my blog because it’s one of those days where keeping it real could go really wrong. You see, this morning I looked in the mirror and said, “Tammy girl, I’m just not that into you today.” A savage headache didn’t help the situation much. I finally got it together enough to put on some ill-fitting jeans and a hoodie, and pulled my locks into a nappy ponytail. But I didn’t put on earrings and barely had enough gumption to brush my teeth. And yet, today of all days I have to write my Resolve to Love blog, where I blather on about how I love my body the way it is. Umph! I’m so not feeling the love today.
I am feeling like a hot mess. I can’t focus on anything longer than two minutes. I don’t want anyone to call, email, text, tweet or Facebook me. I don’t even want to listen to any ‘70s rock, watch bellydance videos or read the comic strips. What I really want to do is slip into my ratty old housecoat and plunge back into my unmade bed. There is nothing sexy, sparkly or joyous about myself in this moment. And you may be lovely people, but I really don’t want to be bothered with all of you today. WHINE! MOAN! GROWL! SNORT!
The harsh reality is that we all have our moments. It’s the day that your car battery died, your rent went up and you’re out of chocolate. It’s finals week at school. It’s hell project month at work. It’s that year of deep depression that just wouldn’t let you go. I can testify to every one. And for me all that stress, fear and sorrow manifest themselves into a knot in my back, foot cramps and grinding teeth. Oh yeah. I’m really good at taking it out on myself before I even get around to inflicting my hot mess on others.
But it’s during these trying times that the resolution to love myself matters most. I have to force myself to remember that I am here, and although it may not feel like it right now, that’s a good thing. This is my spot on this earth and there is so much to do with it, IN THIS BODY. Some days all you can do is just be and that’s enough. So today I’m trying to have a little compassion for that girl in the mirror and say back to her. “See that sour puss? She’s got a funky attitude today, but I love her.”
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